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Friday, February 21, 2014

If There Is One Thing I Hate It's A Proper Spammer

I don't mind people who genuinely want to get in front of you because they have an idea or a product or a comment to make. I don't mind people who leave you a proper message or craft you a proper email. If there is one thing I do absolutely abhor, loathe, hate, despise, if there is one thing I really can't tolerate, it's a spammer. And I think there is a definite distinction between the two. 

Every day I receive 50 emails from spammers ranging from Indian companies offering to improve my SEO, Chinese companies wanting to make me mugs with my logo on it, offers of microwaves, made to order Hawaiian T-Shirts, silk neckties, pharmaceutical products, Nigerian bankers. You name it, I get it. One such troublesome emailer goes by the name of Yessenia Mayer and he's an aggressive automated marketing consultant who probably affects a lot more people than just myself and never ever lets up. A nuclear armageddon might have transpired but somehow Yessenia Mayer will still be sending emails to computers offering what remains on earth, of cockroaches and ants, an opportunity for them to improve their SEO....

What is more troubling for me than the spam, which I now filter through my Google account but which even google seems to have trouble handling, is the blog comments section. When I read other people's blogs (Eg: Permanent Style, A Suitable Wardrobe)  they always have such lovely interacting readers who genuinely wish to share something sincere, something personal about tailoring, clothes, lifestyle etc. For some reason I seem to attract hundreds of rats from all across the world who write spam posts in something not quite English and wish me to then proceed to publish their rotten comments. Here is what I propose to anyone out there that wants to make the next big tech company.

1. Design a system to lock out spammers from sending SEO emails. Surely this one should be easy and will knock out about 80% of my spam in one go.
2. Design a way to VERY EASILY take over your email server side to start managing emails at the server for emails where the company is web hosting through a third party with very poor filtering services.
3. Design a way in which the end recipient can give feedback as to what is spam and what is not in a more detailed way to help provide constant help in fighting spammers on the fly by those who receive spam.
4. Hurt the spammers. Physically find a spammer and treat him worse than you treat anyone who wants to blow up a bus. Deprive him of sleep. Make dogs bark at him. Treat him worse than Hugh Jackman treated that freak in Prisoners. A spammer takes more time out of my day than I've ever devoted to dealing with the effects of terrorism.
5. Spam is terrorism. I fear it. I loathe it. It is my nemesis.
6. Spam the spammers. Wouldn't it be f'ing nice to spam a spammers email and watch him on a web cam deleting his emails. This would become my screen saver if it could happen.
7. Make spammers pay back the time they waste in people's lives by doing community service and make them clean all the public toilets across the world with their tongues and hair.
8. Castrate male spammers but do not kill them. Make them look at their genitals in  jar every day of their remaining rotten lives.

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